A life we could have had
by Anna.Green
Summary: Both Gilbert and Anne reminisce on their past while facing challenges of the present. Anne struggles with understanding her feelings amidst her relationship with Roy, and Gilbert struggles with letting go of the woman he always wanted. A "Anne of the Island" story. High rating for future chapters
1. Chapter 1

**I have been wanting to write a ****Anne Of Green Gables ****fic for a really long time- it was the series that originally got me hooked to fanfiction to begin with! It was always a matter of time before I wrote one, and I am so glad that I have finally got around to it. This story takes place at the end of ****Anne of the Island **** and is just a little change of story. I hope you enjoy, and I apologize if its confusing- hopefully the next chapter we'll be clearer. (Also this is based on the books, not the show/movie)**

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Gil scanned the ballroom anxiously. He was leaning against the curtained wall, holding a glass of punch, glancing towards the large double doors every few seconds. If you were to ask him whom he was looking for, he wouldn't have been able to answer. Simply because he didn't even realize he was looking in the first place. It had been this way to Gilbert for quite sometime- always waiting to see her face, always searching for her eyes and her smile and her bright red hair. If Gil was a star, than Anne was his moon and if he was the moon than she was his sun. She had always been the step head- the brighter luminary, the gold at the end of the rainbow. Always completely and devastatingly unattainable.

He knew it since the moment the slate was ruthlessly shattered on his head, and was reassured each and every time he was turned down or refused. He would forever love her, and she would never love him. That was the way it was, and- despite every wish on every clover, or dandelion, or northern star- it was the way it would always be.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his ruly brown hair. He didn't know why he had bothered to come. There was nothing here for him. Not in this dimly lit ballroom, nor in the school itself. He was now 22, a young doctor with a promising life ahead, and he couldn't let go. Couldn't leave behind the schoolboy dreams and desires that offered empty promises and tainted fantasies. To him, the unrequited love that had captured his heart since his boyhood days, would forever be his curse. He would never grow old with someone, he would never spend long nights in a warmly lit parlor, holding the love of his life, talking of philosophy or beautiful memories. He would never raise a family, watch his little children grow to be adults and continue the circle of life. No, these blessing were all completely out of reach in Gilbert's eyes and in this dull moment in time, they would forever be just a dream. He knew, he knew it in the depths of his lonely heart, that he would stay waiting for her until his last breathe was drawn and he laid down for the last time. There was no girl to Gilbert Blythe other than Anne Shirley, and a world without her was a world without purpose.

Just across the ballroom and behind the double french doors, stood the subject of Gilbert's painful revelations. She stood with her eyes shut and her face uncommonly still. Her hand was twisted in the pale yellow silk over her dress, the other clinging to Roy's elbow. She had been looking forward to this day for several months now; it was written in every calendar, and scribbled in every journal. Years and years of loneliness and imagination had led up to this very moment- this very night. And yet, she felt an overwhelming wave of dread coursing through her body, multiplying with each of Roy's touches and fervent glances. She didn't know why- for the life of her she didn't know what had changed within the last week or two, despite Phil's exaggerated eyebrow raises each time she mentioned her feelings towards Roy. She knew what Phil thought but Anne had merely laughed at the absurd suggestion and told Phil it wasn't possible. Gilbert Blythe was Anne's _friend_. Sure, he had felt a certain way some time ago, but Anne didn't feel like that, and besides Gilbert was dating someone now and she had heard he was very happy. So why did she feel that twisting anger in her gut whenever his girlfriend was mentioned? Why, on those lazy afternoons, do the memories they had fondly shared continue to play over and over in her mind? And for goodness sake, why does her heart pound erratically when she sees that head-full of chestnut hair? She loved Roy, he was her prince in shining armor, the man she had always dreamed of- and now he was proposing! She should be overfilled with joy, she should feel happy and ecstatic and eager to begin a life of joy with Roy. _I am happy_ she reassured herself _I'm just tired. _With that, she smiled as best she could, and opened the doors.

Gilbert tried not to look at the beckoning doors. He tried to ignore the beating of his heart ringing in his ears; ignore the thrill that rushed through his body; ignore the overwhelming desire to look at her. He shut his eyes and breathed though his nose. _She's deeply in love _He warned himself _And he's here too. She doesn't love you- she loves him. She doesn't want you- she wants him. Don't look at her, don't smile at her, and God forbid, don't touch her. _ It was depressing, it really was- a beautiful friendship torn to pieces because of harsh reality, but both Gil and Anne were used to it. Used to the stubborn ache in their heart, used to the unrestrainable flood of memories that often poured out from their severed hearts like water leaking from a pipe. To them the love- or lack of love- they had for each other was etched into their minds and thoughts with permanent marker, final and definite. In their eyes, there was no changing what had been, and there was no changing what was yet to be. And despite the doubt that Anne had previously felt, she knew what was going to happen next and she was prepared for it. Maybe life was destined to be this way and maybe true love wasn't as special as it was made out to be. But when she would close her eyes that night, waiting for exhaustion to take its course, it wouldn't be Roy she would see. And although she may wake up surprised by the dreams she dreamt- there was truth behind them, truth and a desire that flickered like a low flame in the depths of her determined, changeless heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! Thank you so much for the support- I tried to finish as quick as i could for ya'll. After writing this chapter I now have a basic idea of where I want this story to go so stay tuned! Anyway, enjoy!**

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Anne could feel his footsteps come to a stop behind her. She could feel it in the sudden drop in the temperature and in the chill crawling down her bare neck. She placed the cup of punch back on the table and turned to face him, biting back a smile. "Gil, Its so nice to see you! How have you been?" His eyes darkened lustfully as he stepped closer to her, reaching for the glass she had just placed on the table. Anne's heart pulsed in her chest- a steady excitement itched at her toes, carefully rising like water to a dam- threatening to spill out at any given moment. She hoped it didn't. She was here with Roy and she had a certain reputation to upkeep. But oh! A piece of her was enjoying the thrill dancing across her skin and the dangerous looks Gilbert was offering as his eyes skimmed her bare arms and the thin silk adorning her body. "Will you dance with me, Anne?" He said boyishly, lending her his hand. _Say no, Anne. It's not good for either of you._ But the yearning in her chest overpowered the logic she knew not to ignore. She nodded her head afraid to speak- afraid that the emotions in her heart would bubble over, afraid that she would choke on her excitement and desires that shadowed each breathe and desperate thought.

He lead her through the tight-patched group of couples, dancing slowly amongst themselves. He turned to face her, smirking as he placed his hands on her waist. The crowd grew silent as they watched the interaction. "Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe? But isn't she practically engaged? And didn't she refuse him?"-they whispered to one another. But Anne couldn't hear them. Not now, when she was so absorbed by the man in front of her- as he stroked her hair and ran his calloused fingertips along her spine. Not now, as she felt his hand scrape along her hipbone, and gently outline the curve of her waist. Not now, as his skin slid against hers- slick like marble against her palms. Not now, as her eyes gently closed in bliss and pure satisfaction, and her breathe hitched in her throat with every movement and touch. _Not, now. Not, now. _This is what it felt to be loved, this is what love was! She gave it away, foolishly so; she turned it down! And now Gilbert would give this to someone else?! Gilbert Blythe, the man she _loved-_

Anne shot up in bed breathless, her bed sheets slipping to her waist, and the blood rushing in her ears. _What was that?!_ She thought to herself, her cheeks burning in the heavy darkness of the sleepy night. She fell against her pillows and sighed through her nose. The dream was so realistic to Anne that she felt a sudden loneliness in the late hour. Her throat burned and her eyes welled with tears. She missed Gilbert. She missed the moments they shared as naive children and once again as teenagers. Everything was so out of reach now. The life she had come to love was slipping away like sand in a sieve and soon there would be nothing left to hold onto. She had taken advantage of the moments they could have had and now- their time together was coming to an end. There was no solution left for Anne. Her heart ached in her chest and bitter regret thawed at her frozen sides.

_I don't know how to live without Gil. _

_I never should have let him go_.

Not far from where Anne lay sleepless, Gilbert rested in his own bed- desperately searching for his own sleep. He couldn't stop seeing the evening over and over again his mind. She was standing in the center of the room, her hair tumbling down her shoulders, her body wrapped in pale silk. Her eyes gleamed with youth as she scanned the hall mirthfully. There was no sound other then the beating of his desperate heart as she looked from one person to the next, eagerly searching for someone Gilbert could only hope to be himself. He could still hear that voice whispering mercilessly"_She doesn't want you. Don't bother. Don't waste your time." _ But it was drowned out. There was no sounds to be heard and there was nothing to be listened to. She had met his gaze carefully, and the blurred world dissipated around him.

For that moment in time, it was just them. No Roy, no Christine. There was no future and there was no past. Everything stood beautifully still and he could feel the pain in his chest seep out slowly. He stood so perfectly silent- watching, waiting. She looked at him in a way she never had before- like she _wanted _him. But he knew better to be fooled by her deceiving eyes. And yet, as Gil watched her turned away, he felt as if his heart was being ripped out and stomped on. He shouldn't have expected anything different.

This was Anne. This was what she does best.  
Lovingly bring him to life only to kill him off again. And as much as Gilbert knew how wonderfully kind Anne was to others, it was almost as if she had no compassion towards him.

Gil pulled his arms to his chest, closing his eyes. He was done for. There was no more winning back what had already been won. She was taken- her laugh and her smiles. Her odd nervous habits, and her peculiar love for nature. Her heart and her porcelain skin. She was gone- she was already a fading dream and a fragment of his taunting past. It didn't matter how Gilbert felt and it never would. Anne Shirley was her own completely and now she was someone else's as well. A single tear leaked out from his eye, soaking into the well-worn blanket around his shoulders. It would be his last tear over her, he promised himself silently. No more crying over what can never be. It wasn't good for him- he knew it in his bones and as much as he wished he could be the one by her side, the time had come to move on.

Leaning his head back against his pillows, he could already feel the memories slip away.

But Anne was only beginning to remember:

She had looked up to him one last time. There was a note of finality in the air, and she had known it in her mind and in the pressure of the hand gripping her wrist. She wanted to memorize that moment, as terribly sad as it was. Something had told her then that she wouldn't be seeing Gil in a while and it had made her throat itch and her eyes sting. A spare curl hung over his forehead, she remembered. His eyelashes glistened against his smooth cheeks, his tall figure was leaning against the curtained ballroom wall- his hands jammed in his pockets. She couldn't see those bright eyes, not in those memories and not in any that she could recall. She wished she could. She missed those eyes. She needed them. She needed those eyes and she needed the laugh that came with it. Where was Gil now? Was he in love with Christine as everyone said? Was he happy? Did he miss her? Did he still care for Anne? Why did he let go?

_Why did he give up on me?  
__How could he give up on me?_

But she knew it was her fault and in a way, it made it so much worse. She pushed him away, she shut him out. Gil wasn't coming back this now. Not anymore. She mistreated him time and time again, and he finally gave up.

There was a life they could have had. A life of beauty. A life of love and laughter and everything Anne could have wanted. But it was out of reach now. Her fate was made, her future was settled. There was no way to change the choices she had made, just like there was no way to take them back. And now, she would live the rest of her life haunted by the possibilities she never took and the choices she never made.


	3. Chapter 3

**So. This is going to be confusing. Please just stick with me. The night at the ball Roy didn't end up proposing. I never ended up saying it outright because I didn't know if i wanted to continue doing flashback ( have a chapter of flashback proposal) but after the last chapter it didn't make sense anymore. Instead, flash forward to the next day and...**

**A piece of me wants to delete this story and restart just because it's kind of a mess and at the beginning especially had no idea where I was planning on going with this. Now, I have a better sense of direction and I hope the story will improve tremendously over the next few weeks. Again, I sincerely apologize- this chapter is really weird and I feel extremely uninspired but hopefully that extra push is around the corner and it will get better immediately.**

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The next day was graduation.

It was hard to determine who was dreading it more; Anne or Gilbert. For Anne, she was certain Roy would propose. He hadn't at the ball which at the time had been a great relief to Anne, however she knew it was still yet to come. It would be today. She knew it the moment she woke under the filtering early light through the open curtains. She knew it when the box of roses arrived under his name in the middle of her morning tea, and she knew when each one of her girl friends embraced her tightly with glowing cheeks and worried eyes as they passed by her open bedroom.

Roy was a man who enjoyed surprises, and it was clear to her now that he wouldn't have proposed at a time that everyone was expecting him to. He would wait if it meant a better proposal. It was a his personality- bigger and better and while Anne had been enraptured by this trait originally- she now saw it as a warning sign. To be truthful, whether or not it was actually a problematic flaw didn't really matter, for at this moment in time, Anne was desperately searching for someone to blame for her uncertainty and Roy's eagerness to be as best as possible was the perfect scapegoat.

As for Gilbert, well it was pretty obvious what he struggled with. He knew what was coming and even if the date wasn't set or certain, it was around the corner and there was no ignoring its dreaded arrival.

_**OOO**_

It happened a few hours after graduation. The entire class sat chatting amiably in the hall, singing, laughing and reminiscing on their shared times at Redmond when Roy stood up suddenly. The room grew silent with anticipation, a hush murmured through the close knitted circles as they watched those familiar, handsome dark eyes find Anne's. When they finally met, the pair stood together and carefully exited the building.

Roy led Anne to the stony pavilion. Vines twisted through the rocky cracks, spring flowers gently swayed around the two of them, settling beside their toes like feathers. A breeze tickled her exposed skin, and she shivered lightly. The sun was setting in the east- the sky glistened from the it's gentle kisses, pinks and blues bled under the white clouds, fading into the nothingness. It was such a shame, Anne would have loved a place like this. She could see herself writing on the misshapen stones or daydreaming on the flower beds. But now, it would be haunted with the bitter memories she knew were about to be made.

Roy turned to Anne, his cheeks were stained with a nervous blush, his eyes twinkled with excitement. Anne averted her gaze painfully. She wished she could be anywhere but here, anywhere but in this perfect garden with this perfect man who was about to offer her a perfect life. She didn't want perfect, she wanted love. And Roy couldn't give her that. Maybe nobody could, maybe she had fooled herself into a search for a nonexistent love with a nonexistent man. But she knew, the one thing she did know was that Roy wasn't right for her. No logic; no amount of reason or explanations could convince her otherwise and it was the time to let him go.

**_OOO_**

Gilbert's world was spinning around him.

The moment had come and he wasn't ready. He never would be, but now especially. His legs trembled uncontrollably, the color drained from his face and he could feel his heart crawling up his throat. He pushed past the eager crowd and their searching eyes. He could see Phil watching him- pity written on her creased forehead, and on her worried frown. He didn't stop for her, despite her outstretched hand. He kept on running. He didn't stop for Charlie Sloathe when he called out his name, begging him to wait. He kept on running. He didn't stop for anyone, not for the stream of girls following him or the pointing onlookers. He was running- _running_, sweat trickling down his neck burning like acid as it soaked into his collar.

He could hear her voice in his mind "I can never care for your Gilbert. I can never love you the way you want me to." What did she see in Roy? What could she possibly see in him? He knew Anne better than almost anyone, and she wasn't in love with him. She didn't actually care for him, not in the way she cared for Gilbert. Maybe she liked his company, maybe she enjoyed spending time with him, but he wasn't the love Anne had spent her childhood dreaming about, and Gilbert knew that better than anyone.

So why was she lying to herself?

Why was she doing this to herself?

Why was she doing this to Gilbert?

It was selfish, but when it comes to love, everyone's selfish. No one wants to watch the woman they love- the woman they spent their life loving- fall for someone else. There was no greater pain than heartache to Gil, and he prayed with the last sliver of faith that remained in his lifeless body, that this would be the last time he felt the way he did.

Gil arrived at his boarding house. The adrenaline that had momentarily given him the energy to run, was gone now. He walked up the stairs sluggishly, his curls plastered to his forehead and his eyes bleak and dull like a man excepting his death. His shirt was soaked through, and the strong outline of his body was visible.

When he reached his room, he moved quickly. Every last second he spent on campus was a weight on his chest. He needed to leave, he needed to take a break from the life he had lived- or perhaps start a new life. It was time to build a world without Anne, and while his heart burned at the thought, a meager hope began to stir in his empty core.

_**OOO**_

It was clear to Anne now. It was clear to Roy too and his face was ghastly pale at her confession. "You love someone else?" He asked her, his voice cracking slightly. Anne looked at her feet, her eyes stung. "I'm so sorry Roy. I-I didn't even know-" She reached out for his arm "Don't." He muttered bitterly. "Just..don't" He turned away, like he couldn't bare the sight of her. "You should go Anne." He called out, his dark suit a study in contrast against the twisting colors in front of him. "You should go."

That was it. A chapter was closing. And while Anne knew it was the right thing to do; for Roy and for herself, it broke her heart. She had many wonderful memories with Roy, she really did. He filled the last two years of her life with joy and excitement. He was the first boy to make her blush, to write her poems, to bring her flowers. They didn't love each other, they never did, but she felt safe with Roy. He was someone Anne could trust and to a girl who spent her life a victim of betrayal, that meant the world to her.

As she walked back into the party to retrieve her coat, she was blind to the eyes that followed her. She was deaf to the whispers circling around her like moths to a flame. She was searching the crowd for the man who had her heart. She was weaving through the clusters and conversations, opening hidden rooms and compartments desperately. "_He must have left" _ She thought disappointed as she walked home alone.

She was right. He had left. He had left the party but he had left the city. He was gone, gone gone; on a boat heading to Europe with a broken heart in his chest and a healing one in his pocket. If he had known about the second heart he would have returned in an instant. He would have jumped off the boat and swam his way back to shore. But unfortunately for the two of them, Gilbert Blythe was completely unaware of the door that has just opened back in Redmond and maybe that was his fatal mistake.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello to all! I apologize, I have been incredibly busy and this chapter is not the best, I just knew I had to put something out there for ya'll. It's also a lot shorter than I realized, but its still a pretty important chapter in the grand scheme of things ( which I am _very _excited to share with you guys soon). Anyway, thanks for reading, stay tuned, and enjoy.**

**P.S: Here's where our story really begins...**

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_**3 months later:**_

Anne closed her eyes, and leaned back in the heavy wooden rocking chair. The gentle pitter patter of the summer shower lulled in her ears, carefully tempting her to succumb to her rich exhaustion.

It had been a long day, a long few weeks. Avonlea was busier than it had ever been, but loneliness hid behind every corner. Anne was all grown up now. Her friends married or living elsewhere, her once young pupils exploring their teenage-hood.  
But unlike them, Anne couldn't picture her future -it was dark and mysterious and it terrified her. Where was the hope and happiness that had once caved her path, influenced every decision? When did Anne become the woman she had always backed away from? She was not the girl she used to be and not the girl she had wished to become.

She was beautiful, it was true. With long auburn hair and shining grey eyes. She was tall and slender, with an aura of grace so powerful that children whispered to one another, hoping that one day they could look like that Anne girl of Green Gables. But she was not as vain as she had once been, and beauty was only so important to her at the fine age of 20. She wanted love, she wanted joy and happiness- and it had walked away from her 3 months ago.

Her throat constricted and she swallowed the rising pain, forcing it down its ashy trail and back into her burnt heart. To this day she didn't know what had actually happened or where he had gone off to. She didn't have the courage to ask Mrs. Blythe although she always found herself walking subconsciously down that old road. She only knew that Gilbert was gone; gone like the winter breeze and the past she was constantly reminiscing, gone like the childhood dreams she had sung to her friends, gone like the young girl she had once been.

She would run after him if she could, she would in heartbeat! But alas, she knew - she knew it every time she sat alone under the wide trees, staring out at the cloudless sky, or sitting beside the empty rivers, watching the rippling shores lick the tips of her fingers-_ you can't search for someone who doesn't want to be found._

_**OOO**_

Gilbert walked hurriedly down the old cobblestone roads, clutching his newspaper to his chest and protecting his hat from the sharp winds. This particular day was colder than it had been in a while and he shivered lightly under his jacket. He had grown accustomed to the French heat, but the bitter air brought back an unexpected sentiment to the cold Avonlea days. He smiled despite himself. Where had the time gone? It wasn't so long ago; lying on the yellow pastures, sun blazing down on him like fire. Climbing apple trees and chasing his friends into those blue, blue creeks. He could remember long walks in the late afternoons with his pals, daydreaming about girls-

He caught himself, and shook his head as if to rid himself of those thoughts. He was over Anne Shirley, and he applauded himself for it. Years and years of pointless prayers and heartbreak were behind him now, finally and thankfully. He didn't fall asleep with her name on his tongue, nor did he wake up with her glowing image stained in his head like he used to. But he didn't like to think of his past-_their _past. To Gilbert, it was best to shut out what had been, to lock it up and throw out the key. No, he no longer cared for her the way he had, but to revisit the life they once had was dangerous territory.

He stopped in front of a tall, brick building. The sun gleamed behind it and a golden light washed over Gilbert. _This is it! This is really it! _He smiled, tucked the newspaper into his pocket, and walked up the stone steps with a newfound excitement. He was ready.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5! Enjoy and let me know what you think**

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The waiting room was already bustling with people- sickly children, worried mothers, young injured soldiers and the elderly folk- calmly preparing for Death's kiss. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude washed over Gil as he squeezed his way through, thankful for the health that greeted him every morning and each time he fell asleep.

"Gilbert Blythe?" He heard a strong french accent call from the receptionist's desk. He walked briskly towards her; a young blonde lady, no older than 20. "Hello, that would be me" Gil said and offered her a boyish smile. She blushed and turned away, riffling through a few documents before offering him a tag with his name scribbled in messy french. "Doctor has messy writing." She said peering up him. He chuckled and clipped the tag on his shirt. " Turns out, most do. Although I hope one day I will be able to break that stereotype." She nodded her head and pointed down the long corridor "Soon. Very soon."

**OOOO**

"Anne?" A voice called up from the bottom of the stairwell. Anne sat up and wiped her eyes with her worn cotton work-dress. "Yes?" "Diana's here" Anne stood up, and smoothed the skirt of her dress. She turned and caught her reflection in the oval looking glass- her hair was rumpled and her cheeks were almost as bright as her hair. Her eyes were dull and her face was wet with tears. She sighed, it didn't even matter, there wasn't anyone Anne even wanted to dress nicely for anymore.

Diana stood at the door well, her dark hair shining behind her as it curled over her shoulders, her eyes big and bright. She smiled as Anne came into view and took a step into her direction. Anne leaned in to hug her- " I didn't know you were coming over!" Diana laughed girlishly and leaned in to kiss Anne's reddened cheek "Oh, neither did I! But the baby is sleeping and Fred told me to go enjoy myself. I thought we could have a picnic- the rain has cleared and it is simply beautiful out."

She produced a basket of goodies from behind her and raised an eyebrow to Anne "What do you think, Anne?" Anne lifted up the woolen blanket and peered at the assortment of pastries. She grinned at her childhood friend, with shining eyes "If you are half the mother to your children as you are a friend to me, then you will be the best mother to walk this Earth, Diana dear. "

**OOOO**

Gil hesitated at the wooden door. "_Breathe" _ He told himself "_Just breathe." _

The door opened as Gil lifted his hand to knock. Across from him stood a large man- tall and dark, with heavy crease lines and wrinkles beneath his eyes. He nodded at Gil and opened the door widely, smiled sadly as Gil ducked under the doorway. His sadness caught Gilbert off guard, and he frowned as the man showed him to a plush leather seat. "You are Gilbert Blythe, right." The man asked, his heavy accent shadowing each syllable. "I am Dr. Pelletier, it is very wonderful to finally meet with you" Gil nodded "Likewise." The doctor smiled, and again sadness flickered behind his dark eyes. "You are starting your residency, I understand?' Gil nodded.

The doctor looked at him for a long moment. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, running a worn hand through his hair. The doctor couldn't have been so old and yet- something about him seemed... wiser, and almost ancient-like. He turned to look at Gil. "This is not an easy job my friend. You will see pain and suffering unlike anything you have witnessed before. Most doctors do not last very long here at St. Joseph's. You see, we are a poor hospital, our patients can hardly afford medical care. But they know we will treat them anyway, so people from all over France travel here- the poor, the homeless, and the ones who are bound to die anyway. "

He paused, waiting fro Gil to react. But there was no reaction, so the doctor continued:

"Today we lost 3 children- triplets actually. They had been here for a while and we had been expecting a full recovery. But alas, a rare infection began in one of their bodies, and it quickly spread to the other two." He closed his eyes, his voice trembling " Sometimes, there is nothing we can do. We only have so much money, so much technology and so many doctors." He locked his eyes with Gilbert "This residency will be hard. It will be very hard, Gilbert. You will see miracles- and you will see tragedy everyday. There is no way to prepare for the life you are about to begin."

**OOOO**

"How have you been, Anne?" Di said, setting down the uneaten croissant onto the blanket. The stained corners of the sheet flared in the wind, begging to fly away. Anne turned her head, staring at the space between the trees- a heavy blue with the occasional flock of birds, chasing after one another. "I'm alright." She murmured softly "Everything is just so...different know. The times have changed greatly, and well.. I wasn't prepared for it." Diana nodded her head and reached out to squeeze her friend's hand. "Anne." She whispered, and Anne looked over at her. Diana winced at the the expression in her eyes. She had never seen them so... dull, and hopeless. So bleak and faded. Those eyes couldn't have been Anne's. Not the dreamer girl. Not the girl who spent her life feeding off of imagination and impossible possibilities. Even in the worst of times, Anne's eyes were never this _lifeless. _

"It's Gil, isn't it?" It wasn't a question. It was a statement, a confirmation. Of course it was Gilbert. Of course it was the man Anne had spent her life pushing away, the man she swore she could never love. Of course the emotions she had buried away had finally resurfaced, and now Anne didn't know how to control them.

"Do you love him?"

Anne closed her eyes and a tear trickled out hesitantly.

"Anne?"

Anne laughed bitterly and opened her eyes forcefully. They burned with a fierce passion, and Diana almost backed away. "Do I love him? Do I love him?! I don't even think love could possibly describe how i feel towards Gil. I... _need _him, Diana. I need him like I need my fingers and my toes, I need him and I can't live without him. What I have done, Di?! How did I get here." She paused "I pushed him away Diana. I pushed the best thing I ever had away. I hurt him with no remorse, time and time again. I hurt him, I hurt Roy, and most of all I-I hurt myself. "

Her voice cracked and the tears fell freely down her cheeks. Diana pulled her close and rubbed her back

"My world is crumbling, Di, I-I don't know how to stop it. Everyday, I grow farther and farther away from the person I want to be, from the life I want to lead. And when it all finally falls,all this life I have grown to love, when there is nothing left and no one to hold onto- I won't even be able to rebuild it.

I let him go. There is no one to blame. I set him on fire and he left to put it out. He won't come back for that. He wouldn't do that himself. "

They were silent for a moment. Diana didn't know how to tell her friend it would be okay, to comfort her and assure her that everything would work out. Because truthfully, Diana didn't know if it would.

"Do you know where he is Anne?"

Anne shook her head and pulled away, wiping her eyes with her fingertips. "No. I don't. But even if I did- I wouldn't go after him. I'm probably the last person he wants to see."

**OOOO**

For the first time in several weeks, Gilbert desperately wished he could see Anne. He needed her now, he needed her support, he needed her advice. He was terrified of his new job; terrified of what it entailed and the effect it would forever have on his life. Was he ready for this? Could he make this commitment? She would know what to say, she always did. But, Anne wasn't here and she wasn't his. She belonged to someone else now, and she was probably very busy preparing for married life.

As much as Gilbert prided himself for the love he had let go and let loose, the thought stung his heart. Gilbert was alone. He was completely, utterly alone; with practically no plan for his future, and a goal so far away it was practically unattainable.

With so much on his mind, the very last thing Gilbert was thinking of was the unshakable cough he had adopted since exiting St. Josephs. No, the soreness of his throat was almost non-existent as he walked back home, occupied by the choices he would soon make and the reality he no longer could ignore. But unfortunately for Gilbert, even Doctors- or future Doctors in this case- are only human, and the battle of life is a battle for all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Been a long while, but this chapter takes place almost immediately after where we left off. Enjoy and let me know what you think!**

* * *

Anne stood timidly in front of the wooden door, her hand raised frozen in midair.  
Her throat burned in its constricting cavity. The Blythes house seemed still in time, exactly as it had years prior. The leaves green and brown, dancing in the occasional breeze, dances that were danced every year of her childhood, dances that greeted her each time she visited Gilbert before

She knocked twice, turning away almost immediately. Her eyes simmered with fear, a childlike fear, one she hadn't felt since before Avonlea. The fear of refusal, of rejection, of being turned away from. The Blythes were good people, folks that were once close to her heart. But now, after relentlessly breaking their son's heart, no doubt breaking their own with his, she wondered painfully if there was any room in their heart to give her a chance.

The door opened just as she began to retreat.  
_Mrs Blythe_

Her own hazel eyes scanned Anne's wordlessly, and the world could hear the thumping of Anne's heavy heart.  
She took a step closer to the house of memory and she wondered if her pain was as apparent as it felt.  
Anne opened her mouth to apologize for intruding when Gilbert's mother placed a worn hand over her cheek.  
"Anne." She whispered softly "You've come at last."

…

Gilbert was home at last. He lived far from the hospital, and while the walk was generally a beautiful one, he felt strangely tired. He collapsed on the worn couch, pulling off his windbreaker and tossing it on the table across from him.  
His room was hardly one to consider a home- he lived in Miss Parouis' boarding house for men. It was a shabby brick building right off one of the main streets in Paris. There were 8 one-bedroom apartments, each containing a small fireplace and a couch that doubled as a bed. And while it was a modest abode, he payed for it with his own hard work and for that he was proud.

He sighed and closed his eyes. He would take this job. He had come too far to let it slip through his fingers.

He stood and headed to the cupboard in the kitchen, pulling out an envelope that looked rather dusty. He stared at it for a few seconds, contemplating, before sitting back on the couch.  
It was time.  
He was ready.

…

Mrs. Blythe sat her down at the table and began to prepare a cup of tea.  
"How have you been Anne?"

Anne wrung her hands in her lap "I've- I've been better. And yourself?"  
"It has been easier."

There was a silence and Anne could feel Mrs Blythe's eyes on her. The room was charged with a certain electricity, or lack thereof. It was if the two of them were anticipating something- someone.  
Anne could almost hear Gilbert's heart beating over her, this was his home, this was where he spent his life, growing dreaming, learning, and living.  
And she had driven him out. Out and away.

"I'm sorry to intrude like this. I know it was unexpected and.." She felt her voice as it began to shake "I just miss him and I needed, I just-"

"Do you-" The voice across from her cracked "Do you love him Anne?" Her voice was sad yet Anne, who lived a life finding hope in the bleak, could hear a few notes of optimism in her words

Anne looked up "Always."  
She smiled a broken smiled.  
"There has never been anyone else"

She reached over and squeezed Anne's pale hand. Anne gripped hers back.  
"Mrs. Blythe?"  
"Yes?"  
"Is he happy?"

Mrs. Blythe turned away for a moment, and fear gripped her soul. Was he okay? Was something wrong?  
"Here. He sent us a letter in June. Take it."

…

He opened the letter. Her handwriting was as impeccable as usual, neat scripture in flowing lines. He smiled in spite of himself.

_Dear Gilbert,_  
_I hope all is well with you though you choose to keep it a mystery for all those who care about you. Except for Fred, his loyalty to you is aggravatingly unfathomable and therefore I now feel as if I am writing a sort of mysterious letter to a mysterious man. But alas, I don't have the imagination to make that story plausible or even pretend. Baby Fred is a round little baby, with delicious cheeks and thick arms. He looks just like his father, although he has his mother's dark hair or as you so kindly used to refer to as "crow's hair". It is hard to believe how much time has passed since then; so many of our old pals are gone, married, or simply living life elsewhere. I do wish everyone would come back home even for a fortnight, just for old times' sake. Things have changed greatly Gilbert, people, lives, feelings, even our tidy old town is filled with unfamiliar faces. We miss you greatly here in Avonlea. There isn't a soul who doesn't wish for you to return. Don't forget the life you once had Gil, I beg of you. No matter where you choose to reside, or if you choose to lock away memories of your home, there will always be a place for you here._  
_Much love,_  
_Diana Barry Wright_  
_May 20th_

Gilbert folded the letter and leaned back, shutting his eyes. There was no mention of her. Or at least it wasn't explicit. But Gilbert was grateful for that- the last thing he wanted to read about was her wedding, her walking down the aisle, with her ruddy hair running down her back, her seven perfect freckles delicately placed on her nose, the grey-green eyes lighting up as she walked down to _him_, took _his_ hand, pledged her love and her heart to _him_-

Gilbert gasped and then shuddered. What was _with _him?! What did he care what she was up to? He was over Anne Shirley, completely and unrelentingly. She was a married woman who probably hardly remembered Gilbert other than the boy she used to talk to when she was young and the one that ruined their innocent friendship by declaring his love for her.

And it did not matter. He was done dwelling in the past, he was done reliving. France was his opportunity to start fresh, to live a new life. He wouldn't love again, he knew that but he had accepted it. Love wasn't all what it was cracked up to be, and he was just fine living a life without it.

….

_Dear Ma and Pa,_  
_I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sorry I didn't write sooner, or let you know where I am. I'm safe, and even well. I'm in Paris. I found an offer to start a residency in a nearby hospital next month and I am eager to begin. I know I have been irresponsible and I hope you can forgive me for my lack of communication. The truth is, it's hard to think of Avonlea as they are tinted with the pain of nowadays. I know it is unfair for you both that I have left and closed my chapter on Prince Edward Island, but for me and the hole in my chest, it was the right decision. Now, don't go on thinking I am sitting here wallowing in my sorrows- I am actually enjoying myself fairly well! The weather is simply splendid and I love the Parisian lifestyle- specifically the food. I like my fellow board mates at Miss Parious' boarding house for men. It isn't the best of houses, but it is a place of residency and I feel welcomed in it. I do not imagine that I will be home for the holidays, but if Ma could ever board a ship, then there is a place for you here always. I miss you both dearly, give my farewells to all that wish to receive it._

_With love,_  
_Gil_

Anne released a long breath, tracing her finger over his name. "He is okay."  
Mrs. Blythe smiled from across the countertop "He is the best he could be"  
"Are there- did he write to you anymore?" Anne asked desperately, craving to read more, to feel his heartbeat through the written word  
She shook her regretfully "I'm sorry dear. I'm afraid our Gilbert isn't much of a communicator."

There was a pause. Anne brought the letter to her chest and closed her eyes. He was alive. He was okay. He was far, far away from her, but he was there.

"What...what are you going to do Anne?"  
Anne opened her eyes. They sparkled with life, with hope, with dreams, with all the Anne-like passion and beauty that brought others admiration, that gave her a rich desire to live on.  
"I'm going to find him."


	7. Chapter 7

**Don't forget to let me know what you think! Enjoy!**

* * *

Anne hurried home, still clutching the letter in her white fist. Her lips trembled with an odd sensation- excitement with a twitch of fear. Or maybe it was the opposite, fear with a twitch of excitement.

Anne knew that the next part of her journey could go in so many different directions, yet the possibility of her last- sought out happy ending was too good of an opportunity to pass up.  
She thought back to the last time she saw Gilbert.  
Graduation, wasn't it?  
The quick flash in his eyes she thought she imagined as she left clinging to Roy's elbow. The way his hair curled behind his ears, the crease in his forehead as he begged her- wordlessly- to look at him, to walk over to him, to take him.  
That _wretched_ night.  
She would take all her chances now.

She was too occupied in her fantasies to stop herself before colliding into the stout blonde before her.  
_Josie Pye._

"My _my_ there Anne, I haven't seen your face so overly-worked up in a long time. What is the rush? As far as I've heard, all your suitors are long gone."

Anne smiled nonetheless, "It is nice to see you too Josie. I do like your dress. That shade of pink is _just_ glorious."

Josie narrowed her eyes, "Yes well, I suppose. Shame you could never wear this color, Anne. It simply would clash terribly with your hair. Well, are you going to tell me what your reason for huffing about is?"  
"Oh, I just got a little letter that's all."  
Josie looked at the folded paper in Anne's hand and back suspiciously into Anne's shining eyes.  
"Good news I hope?"  
"Depends on the eyes of the beholder. Perspective is everything Josie. I'm sure you know."

Josie picked up her skirt and looked at the queer redhead before her. She was a strange girl, that was for sure. And she would never understand why on earth, men ran after her every beck and call. What was Anne's elusive secret, she wondered. "Well, I am needed at home. Good afternoon, Anne."  
"And to you the same."  
Anne's eyes filled with mirth as she watched Josie hurry along the winding path,  
"Some people never change. I guess there is a beauty in that after all."

...

Gilbert arrived at the hospital early the next morning. His head was pounding, and his knees felt strangely weak. It must have been nerves, he reassured himself. He was starting to live out his dream, it was coming true! And yet, it felt as if he was lacking something, something that completed his vision and the dream he sought out, something he couldn't quite place. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts and walked down the hallway.

"Mr. Blythe!" The Doctor called out, and Gilbert turned to shake his hand.  
"Good morning sir. Where would you like me to begin?"  
The doctor placed a worn hand on Gilbert's shoulder. "The children's sector. However, I must warn you, it is not an easy sight."  
He led Gilbert down a long corridor and handed him a white medical robe. "Here. Never enter a room without proper attire. That is my first rule. Gloves and a mask included."  
The Doctor sighed and shrugged on a robe of his own "I can't lose my doctors as well."  
And with that, he opened the double doors before them.

At first Gilbert wasn't sure what he was looking at.  
The room blurry and he could see shapes and hear vague cries of pain.  
But he wasn't in the room.  
No, he was across the street, down underwater.  
It was a photograph, faces piling over, little hands grasping to meet his, eyes swimming- green and brown and red and yellow.  
Cheeks white and pale, faces stained dark red, fevers and fears scribbled on little beings. Moving, moving and fading-  
"Mr. Blythe?"  
A voice called out.  
But is was far away, too far and Gilbert could barely hear it.  
All he saw was the image before him.  
A haunting image, one he never saw before but yet- it was all too familiar.  
A young girl, copper hair braided down her back, green eyes dancing up to his. Disease spilling across her pale forehead, the green of her irises bleeding down her cheeks. She too fading, crumbling to the dirt beside his feet, flying among the dust particles-

"Gilbert!" An arm clasped his own, and Gilbert blinked, steadying himself. "Sir-"  
"Mr. Blythe are you all right?!"

Gilbert looked around, endless beds lined against the wall, children lying quietly, sleeping or whispering among themselves.  
No yellow eyes, no spinning redheads.

He blinked and took a shaky breath.  
"I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me."  
The Doctor eyed him suspiciously  
"I suggest a cold drink of water. It is probably the heat. I expect a young medical student like yourself to take better care of yourself."  
Gilbert nodded. "Yes sir, it won't happen again."  
The Doctor's eyes creased warmly "Don't worry Gilbert. You will be alright. You're one of the strong ones, I can tell."

...

Anne moved with such energy through the woods, a bounce in her step, grace down her toes. She skipped between the long oaks, her fingertips grazing the wise barks, her laughter floating in the air, its notes dancing around her like a halo. The birds awoke and the squirrels scurried behind her. She trailed along, weaving between the shadows, discovering ghosts of herself behind each breath, happy little ghosts- each with a lighter shade of red, each with younger faces, smoother skin, each with a dozen more freckles than the one before.  
Here she pledged her love to Diana, here she ran home soaked from nearly drowning in her dear Lake of Shining Waters, here she sat in Matthew's buggy discovering the world she loved, gripping the sides of the carriage, her braids whipping around her in the wind.

Life.  
Life was a beautiful,_ beautiful_ thing.

When she arrived at Green Gables, she was surprised to find it empty. The sun was setting outdoors, and evening fell in secretive whispers around the Island. _Dora's concert,_ she remembered. _Marilla must have gone with her_.  
The silence of the home comforted her.  
It gave her the peace of mind to think, to evaluate, to _understand_ her feelings that she had once locked away.

She knew she loved Gilbert.  
She knew he once loved her.  
But she didn't know where he stood now. Diana believed his feelings remained, even Mrs. Blythe believed it.  
But Anne, Anne who believed in magic, in fairies, in happy endings knew, if she could change the way she felt- then he could too.

She pulled out a leather notepad from the wooden nightstand and sat down on her bed.  
Truth pours out at times, times that can be unexpected. There is a human desire, to be good, to be _honest_, to share secrets and be loved and accepted in spite of them.  
Or, even more so, to be loved and accepted_ because of them._  
And although results are always, always, unpredictable- what is life with predictability?  
She hesitated, fear gripping her very essence. _  
What if this makes it all worse?  
Oh Anne, nothing could make it worse than it already is.  
_Opening to a blank page, she started to write:

_Dear Gil,_  
_It's been three months and two weeks since I last saw you, and yet it feels like a lifetime. Change does that; separates the then and now until they hardly feel like they were lived by the same person.  
Perhaps they weren't. I was a different Anne then, an immature Anne who valued her fantastical little imaginations over her reality, who let herself be blinded by mere companionship over the truest most pure form of love. I treated you horribly Gil. I let you go because I wanted to pretend that nothing happened between us as if that could help me ignore the truth and the feelings bubbling in my chest- my feelings for you. My feelings of love. I love you Gilbert Blythe. Always have, always will. I have spent too many days wallowing away in my pains and my regrets, but I am coming. And I don't know how you feel, I know you might very well hate me, but I need to see you. I need to face you, I need to look into those hazel eyes, eyes that can see me in a way I wish I could see myself, and tell you how much you mean to me, tell you that I LOVE you. If you will let me. If you can look at me once more like you used to. If you have any more room in your heart to let me love you the way I always should have, then I will be there._  
_With all my love,_  
_Anne_

Anne paused. Her hands were shaking as she folded the letter, rising from her little bed. She crossed her room with timid steps and opened the heavy door. She crept down the stairs,  
_One step, two step, three and four._  
The fireplace was lit despite the summer heat and she stared into the flickering, beckoning flames. It called to her-  
_One step, two step, three and four._  
And she threw the letter inside, like all the hundreds of letters before.


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter is mostly Gilbert's portion of the story. I tend to let my stories take me where they wish to be taken, and now that I have a better idea of where it is headed I am superrr excited!**

**Don't forget to review- tell me what you think or what you hope to happen next!**

* * *

When Gilbert entered the shabby hospital a few mornings later he noticed it seemed quieter than usual. People swarmed along the long, rotting walls, holding themselves or their loved ones in their worn arms, shawls wrapped tightly around them. Mothers holding their dying children in their helpless hands, children holding their dying mothers in the crook of their little elbows. Faint cries wrung in the air- cries of the ones physically suffering, and the ones emotionally.

"The Doctor is not here today."  
A heavy french voice called out from behind him, clear and shy.  
He turned.  
The receptionist, the young blonde one. She pushed her bangs out of her eyes and blushed at Gilbert's gaze.  
"Oh, well thanks for informing me. Did he mention where I should-"  
"The children's ward." She interrupted, then paled, shuffling several documents nervously. She peered up at him hesitantly.  
Gilbert smiled, "Thank you."  
She nodded quickly and blushed again.  
Gilbert took a few steps down the long white corridor then stopped, turning back to look at her again, "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name"  
She smiled, her eyes flickering ever so lightly "Elodie."  
"Nice to meet you Elodie. I'm Gilbert."

.

When his break finally arrived he found himself sitting beside Elodie, nibbling on a pastry he had purchased earlier. Elodie seemed oddly tense beside him, but the staff at St. Joseph's usually acted this way- death and fear leaked and lurched behind each door, waiting to lunge at its next target.

The silence between them was becoming unbearable -  
"So, Elodie, tell me about yourself."  
She sat straight up in her wooden chair suddenly, the paper slipping to the ground. She reached to pick it up at precisely the same moment as Gilbert, knocking her head against his own, and his pastry fell to the floor.  
"Oh!" She exclaimed, reaching to pick up the half-eaten dessert.  
"Don't bother." He said smiling softly  
She placed her fingers on her lap, fidgeting, awkwardly avoiding his eyes,  
"I'm... clumsy?" She asked, not sure if it was the correct word.  
Gilbert nodded, biting back a smile.  
"I'm seventeen, nearly eighteen. I live on the Boulevard. I- Doctor is a good man." She paused, and Gilbert waited  
"My mama is dying"  
The words tumbled out of her mouth and she continued to stare at her fingers "Doctor lets her stay for a long time here, even though... So now I work here. To give back." She peered up at Gilbert, searching for approval or comfort, he wasn't sure which.  
So he gave it to her,  
"That is very kind of you Elodie."  
She bowed her head slightly, but Gilbert caught the fleeting gleam in her dark eyes from his compliment as she turned away from him.  
He watched the side of her face for a moment.  
He never had a sibling, or for that matter, any relations his age. Yet, he looked at Elodie and he felt a certain sibling-like tenderness for the young girl beside him. He smiled to himself, and rose regretfully, "I must get back."  
She nodded, disappointment flicked across her features, "I will see you later."

Gilbert returned to the children's ward, shutting the door softly.  
In front of him lay rows and rows of cheaply made cots, countless children upon them, sick and dying.  
He shivered and noticed the window opened from across the room, a cool breeze snaking its way in. Hurriedly, he walked to shut it- he did not want any more illnesses contracted.  
The blinds billowed from the wind, and he found himself looking far down the twisting cobblestone roads as they slivered through the dark green pines. As the road faded, the path weaved between hills ablaze in summer flowers- pinks and reds so vibrant like they were on fire.

He blinked.  
Then shuddered, reaching to unlatch the hinge holding the window open,  
_"Don't"  
_\- a soft voice, so quiet, so calm; the tips of his ears tingled.

He spun, hands still on the latch, and then gasped.  
Blood rushed in his head and his heart froze, not daring even a whisper.  
He was suddenly aware of the weakness in his knees, of the nausea and bile rising up his throat_  
No. It doesn't make sense- how? How?_

_…_

Far, far away from Gilbert, past the rolling hills and almond roads, across the blue reaching waters and strewn across the green pastures, Anne lay still. Her eyes were closed and she breathed in the crispy Avonlea air. In her pale hands she clenched a white lily, turning it over and over again, until the stem began to tear.  
She hardly noticed.

Tomorrow.  
Tomorrow she would board a boat and travel Gilbert-bound.  
_Home- bound._  
Fear gripped her stomach, and her mind begged her to play safe, to stay where she was, to avoid the possible heartache, to avoid the possible shame, to leave what was where it is.  
But her heart.  
Oh her heart, the same one that abandoned her at most desperate times, the one that tricked her, that fooled her, that was given to the wrong man and stolen from the right one.  
Oh her foolish, foolish heart.  
How she pleaded it wouldn't trick her this time. 


End file.
